Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Surgery & Politics

So my doctor seriously undersold the recovery time required to have three surgical procedures done to my throat and nose. "You'll need about 4-5 days to recover." Meanwhile, on day 7, I still can't swallow without doing a little hop and slamming my palm on the countertop. I have eaten 5 massive bowls of ice cream and for the first time in my life, the thought of ice cream makes me sick. Surgery is not fun. Ever. I was somewhat looking forward to a few days off, laying in my recliner, watching football, watching tennis, watching 36 straight hours of prison break (spoiler warning - they break out of prison - end spoiler), but this was no day in the park.
I had my uvula (the little punching bag in the back of your throat) removed, my tonsils removed, and turbinate surgery in my nose. The little boy in the tonsil video I had to watch was a little too happy to be getting his freezer pop, so I knew he didn't have the same surgery as I did. He and I shared the same affinity for ice cream post-op, but I didn't get to see if he tired of it as I have.
The result of the surgery is that I can sleep without snoring, which makes my wife (and me) extremely happy, so I guess the surgery was a success.

Someone today basically made the following if-then statement to me regarding the upcoming presidential election:

If you don't vote for Mike Huckabee, then you are not a Christian and must therefore worship the devil.

I'm not 100% positive, but I don't think this statement is entirely accurate, but it is the mantra of the hard-core religious right. Just thought I'd share.

So the wife and I went to Olive Garden last night for my first dinner post surgery because I can get pasta with no meat and suffer through it to get some nutrition other than ice cream and when the waiter brought our bill he did not include the chocolate mints. Now this is a deal breaker to me. Why at the point where the customer is going to determine your tip would you "fumble the ball?" His service up to this point had been sub-par, but if I had received the chocolate mints in the bill, he would have gotten 20%. (I rarely tip less than 20% no matter what, because my wife was a server and that's how we roll) Being that I had not chocolaty goodness in my mouth, my pen would not allow me to give more than exactly 15% to the penny, and on the total without tax not with tax. Much to my wife's dismay and embarrassment I wrote the following note on the bill:

No Mints = Less Tip!

Was I wrong?

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Baby Names

So my wife is pregnant and we haven't decided on a name.   We're fairly confident that we (and by we I mean my wife) are having a girl.  At least the lack of bits and pieces in the ultrasound would tend to indicate as much.  So for girl names, we have 3 that we are trying out.  Trying them out involves me talking to my wife's stomach and using each name to see which one I like.  Stomach talking is an extremely relaxing activity.  If ever you are stressed, overworked, or otherwise feeling like crap, talk to a pregnant woman's stomach.  You will have a smile on your face in no time.  

I'm not positive, but I think we may have ruled out all three names we were trying.  So tonight's conversation revolved around picking another name.  My vote goes for Leia, as in Princess Leia Organa from the Star Wars movies.  Luke & Leia.  As you can probably guess, my wife is having no part of this.  I think if she actually would agree on this name I would probably chicken out and not go through with it, but because she is so vehemently against it, I continue to press the issue.

We found some names that we liked, but didn't like with the last name.  Weighing in at 11 letters, 3 syllables, and only 3 vowels, the Plankenhorn surname isn't the most lovely of last names.  It was at this point that I began to say out loud my entire family's first, middle and last names, to see if they sounded as retarded as the baby names we were trying out.  I got to the animals (what, you don't give your animals first, middle and last names?) and Cody Davis sounds extremely dignified and mature for a boston terrier with one eye that always looks to the left.

Candi is a fine name for a orange tabby cat that loves to be all up in your business and walk across your pillows at night from 3 am till 5 am, except that Candi is not her name.  My wife informed me that her name is Candice "Candi" Plankenhorn.  All this time, I didn't know her real name.  I felt like I didn't even know my own family anymore.  

The search for a girl name continues.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Best of Berman

Tonight my wife was putting on an infomercial for the Swiffer Sweeper Vac, complete with statements such as:

"Look how easy it is to use"
"Here try for yourself and see"
"No cords getting tangled up and slowing you down"
"When your done, you just toss the pad in the trash"
"So easy to use, even kids love it" (this statement has never been true when uttered in any informercial, ever)

It reminded me of my favorite television program of all time.  No, it's not Lost or Friday Night Lights or even College Gameday.  What can only be categorized as the single greatest piece of cinematic history to ever grace a television set.  What I would like to think 500 years from now explorers to the planet earth will discover to realize the greatness of our civilization.  I am speaking of the Magic Bullet infomercial.  It's the characters that move me.  I love Hazel, Mimi, Mick and the rest of the gang, but the academy award for best performance in a scripted infomercial goes to....Berman.  Tami Taylor ain't got nothing on Berman.  When he states, "I HATE BROCCOLI," and "Hey, that's pretty good," after tasting the goodness that is the broccoli, radish, pineapple crap shake, I had my fingers on the dial ready to order.

Watch and enjoy, but DO NOT allow yourself to be tempted to order this piece of overpriced crap.